The G word. The seemingly trendy solution to all of our problems. Leading psychiatrist and author Paul Conti believes gratitude alongside agency form the pillars of our mental health. Agency allows us to navigate the world with a sense of empowerment and dictates a level of personal responsibility. Combine this with gratitude – an appreciation of life’s experiences – and you have the makings of a happy self.

I recall during a counselling session a few years back, when I was in the throes of what I now suspect was PND or at least a variation of it, saying that I knew gratitude was the answer. Instinctively I recognised this. If I could just learn to appreciate what is and stop obsessing about what is not or what might be, I could find some semblance of peace.

I didn’t need science to tell this me. But we all know some science goes along way. It proves there is something beyond our instincts, which we humans have a tendency to doubt. We like hard facts. A little Huberman to tell us that Stanford recently conducted research and the results indicate that gratitude can have a positive impact on our mental health (preferably including brain imaging). Also, a road map of how to get there would be nice.

Huberman did thankfully cite the benefits of gratitude, though this was largely through the lens of receivership which, let’s face it, is hard to manipulate. We cannot force people to thank or appreciate us, but there is always scope to create kindness which generally yields personal returns. Consider the pedestrian you allow to cross the street ahead of your car. It is a minute gesture but provides us with a small dose of warm fuzz. They smile and wave, doing that funny little run. I smile and wave back. We both feel good. Acknowledged and seen in a busy world.

Even if the motives are partly selfish, two people have directly benefited from one tiny interaction. It’s like that episode of Friends where Joey argues that there’s no such thing as a selfless good deed. Phoebe gets stung by a bee and gives money to charity in a bid to prove she can give without receiving. In the end, it seems that feeling of goodness is almost inevitable and, therefore all good deeds are selfish.

Gratitude can be a difficult state to achieve. Particularly when we are suffering. How can we muster feelings of appreciation when we are struggling to keep going? I admit, it was in a state of heightened anxiety that I turned to gratitude. I forced myself to write down 3 things every day I was grateful for. Harvard Happiness Researcher, Shawn Achor recommends this as one of the core practices to foster happiness in our daily lives. He also suggested incorporating gratitude in a much more practical way by sending messages of gratitude to people in our lives. I gave up on this after the first fortnight. Not because I didn’t have people to thank, but because I felt like an absolute cheese-ball sending those kinds of messages. Though when I think about it, they all replied saying how happy the message made them so maybe I should have kept that one up.

What I have maintained is the list of 3. Each morning, come rain or shine (generally the former), I take my gorgeously crafted The Five Minute Journal (not a sponsored post) outside with a mug of tea and pen my appreciation. I cannot pretend that this is always easy. There are days I don’t feel particularly grateful but it is exactly at these times when I must force myself to consider exactly what I do have. Imagine your life without something and how you would feel. It’s the easiest root to finding something you are grateful for. There are no rules – once you get over yourself and realise no one will ever look at this book and circulate it around your old high school, you learn to write a little more freely.

Some days I’m grateful for the big stuff. You know, like limbs and sight. Other days, it might be the breeze or the hum of a bee. Either way if I close my eyes and really feel into those things, I instantly feel that pinch of gratitude. It may not last but it’s a stepping stone.

To anyone in chronic pain, bereaved or plagued by unhappiness – this is not to patronise you. You are going through something very real and gratitude might not be for you right now. But maybe next week, or next month, or next year. It cannot be forced or contrived. As Mel Robins says “happiness is an option”, not necessarily a choice. A choice implies failure on our part if we can’t find it. For me, I will continue to strengthen my gratitude practice. It has now become as routine as cleaning my teeth which is half the battle. If you can find a way to habit stack, taking guidance from James Clear’s Atomic Habits (I listen to a lot of podcasts in case you hadn’t noticed), the hard part is done. Gratitude flows easily when we give it the opportunity to grow – we simply don’t give it the space. Will it solve all of our problems? No. But it might help us to notice the good alongside them.

And to anyone who took the time to read this, I am grateful to you.